Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
