Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
