I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
