Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize