We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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