His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
