I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize