I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
