AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
