just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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