nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
