God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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