Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
