im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
