she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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