Fine. I'll sleep in my office
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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