You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
