turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
