my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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