My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
