I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Randomize
