Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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