I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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