I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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