I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Every concussion has its silver lining
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
