The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You are the jesus of drinking
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
