I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
