Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
