oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
