Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize