I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize