he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
