I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
