I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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