you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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