...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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