peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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