my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
