I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
