you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
