She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
