My sheets look like a crime scene.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
