Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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