After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
