Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
