im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
