I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize