My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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