end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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