i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
