be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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