Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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