We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize