I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
