My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
