can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
