there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You left your phone here
Wait...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
