Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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