It's a beautiful day for a hangover
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
