Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
