I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
