I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
