I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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