tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
